Stage One: Recognize that you have a problem
Posted By Ing on July 2, 2009
Came across an old, forgotten email today…after reading it, I was forced to admit I do have a problem. A big one.
So please read this. You could recognize yourself, too. If you do, please, please get help.
Literature Abuse
Do your children exhibit the warning signs? Are you a Literature Abuser? Take this test and find out!
How many of these apply to you?
Be honest!
- I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
- I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
- I read rapidly, often ‘gulping’ chapters.
- I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
- I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
- Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
- Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
- I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
- At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
- Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
- I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
- I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
- I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
- Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
- I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
- I have suffered blackouts or memory loss from a bout of reading.
- I have wept or become angry or irrational because of something I read.
- I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
- Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
How many affirmative responses did you have to the above statements?
1-3
You have a healthy avoidance of problem reading.
4-6
You may be a literature abuser or be at risk of becoming one. Take steps to reduce your literary consumption.
7-15
This indicates a serious problem. Please get help.
16+
Your literature abuse problem is seriously out of control. Get help before you harm someone! Though you will probably always struggle with this issue, by taking it one day at a time you can nonetheless limit the harm your problem may cause other people, and even become a productive member of society.
More About Literature Abuse
Though in the past it was a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse (or LA) has risen to new levels since the end of the Second World War due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment.
Though the increase in literature abuse has been leveling off somewhat with the widespread availability of cable and satellite TV, video games, and internet applications such as YouTube, the number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.
Social costs of literary abuse
Abusers become withdrawn and uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop poor posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English, and creative writers. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming, and emotional instability.
Heredity and literature abuse
Recent university studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.
Other Predisposing Factors
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, librarians, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play video games, participate in sports, or watch TV in the evening.
Prevention
Premarital screening and counseling; in extreme cases, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity, to increase TV viewing, and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
Decline And Fall: The English Major
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path — don’t expect your teenager to approach you and say, “I can’t stop reading Spenser.” By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.
What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
- Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won’t abandon her — but that you aren’t spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
- Face the issue. Tell her what you know, and how: “I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?” Ask the hard question: “Who is this Count Vronsky?”
- Show him or her another way. Move the television set into the child’s room. Introduce your child to sorority girls or frat boys.
- Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing her letters as “Emma.” Force her to take a math class, a PE class, or to minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college (in a pinch, any known party school will do; Playboy magazine publishes a helpful annual list).
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:
- She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
- She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic-era poet.
- Next to her bed is a picture of Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District.
Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look up ALAS! in your telephone directory.
The end
I’m afraid I’m doomed. My children may be, too; clearly this is a long-running, deeply embedded problem in my family.
But you may not be. Act now! SAVE YOURSELVES!
